Well, oreo, being a rider encompasses many things. In those photos, which you presented for yourself, you were in ill-fitting tack which you didn't know how to adjust properly, to the point of not knowing how to hold reins properly. The saddle is several inches off center, and I suspect you didn't have the hands/skills to make PDJ's noseband anything but potentially unpleasant for your horse. In those pics, you are a "horrible" rider - not the worst ever, and not wilfully cruel or anything, but clearly someone who desperately needs the guidance of someone with lots of experience and expertise. You were told much of that in extremely kind terms.

Does that mean you're unteachably awful? Of course not! You clearly have a passion for horses, and if you can learn to take kind criticism from those who know what they're talking about, without flouncing off in a pouty huff, you can translate that into being a decent, good, or even great rider in time. Virtually nobody starts off perfect, and everyone who offered you suggestions recognized that.

But everyone seems to be unanimous: You need lessons, badly. Like just most people had when they started riding. You're not born knowing how to tack up and fit a saddle and do fancy moves with a horse. Buying a horse right now would be a frustrating, and possibly damaging, waste for you right now. Funnel every dime into lessons for a year. Or two. Or more. Then consider thinking about getting a nice, well-broke horse.

And I'm not talking to you from some position on high, not understanding the frustration you feel. I don't have a horse either. I take lessons when I can. I'd say I've probably taken the equivalent of weekly lessons for... let's see... maybe 15 years if you combine 'em all. I've done a little hunter showing. I've penned a few cows. And I *still* don't consider myself anything much more than "advanced beginner" or "beginner intermediate", maybe (insert "slow learner" crack here). I would be a total moron to go buy a 3 year old for myself. So yeah. Learn. Practice. Question. Lessons as often as you can. And patience. It'll be worth it.