koalio wrote:
Thanks guys for your thoughts. It helps a lot to just get it out, but I'm still ending up crying at least every other day about my little guy. I just wish I could snuggle with my fishies, since that's the only animal companionship I've got. Well, I've got two rescued budgies but they hate human contact so no dice there either.
Yeah the anger at my life is all that gets me out of bed some days. I still don't know what the hell to think about the ex bf. The more specific reasoning for leaving me was: he's not smart enough, doesn't speak good enough english (he's a chinese import), doesn't have a great job, doesn't make me happy, and doesn't satisfy me in bed. So, the smart enough, ok he's got a point there. I'm more intelligent than just about everyone I meet so it's not like it bothers me that he isn't a genius. Tiny little point on the english, but he's lived half his life in the US and speaks better than a lot of the locals that have lived here their whole lives. As far as his job, he works two jobs both of which he's had for a minimum of 10 years. His main work is as a mechanic which is something that he loves, and besides which that job sure as hell ain't goin nowhere! Yep he certainly made me happy, and he sure as hell satisfied me in bed. Admittedly that's a hard (haha) thing to do since I'm somewhat of a sex addict. The only problem was having a much higher sex drive than him, which I told him about my sex drive in the beginning and he was ok with it. Oh yeah and he admits to being in love with me, he just thinks I'll be able to easily find another guy. Honestly if it was that fucking easy for me I wouldn't be divorced and sitting around alone every night. I'm a very big girl, and where I live everyone wants a size 0 asian chick. So yeah, finding a guy isn't easy for me, more like rejection city because of my height and weight. Stupid dumbass crappy modern fashion/body type standards.
Ok, mini rant over. Anyway heres a better pic of my little guy. You can really see the wonky hocks in it. Yes his leg did stick out sideways, his outer toe never touched the ground and the bend was getting worse by the week.

Is it possible that you intimidate him? I'm just asking because he says he loves you but he's not smart enough, and in the next sentence you say that you are more intelligent than just about everyone you meet. Do you think that attitude is coming across to him in a negative, intimidating way, because it came across to me in your post as combative and defiant and belittling, not as a gracious acknowledgement of your accomplishments or that you were fortunate to be educated to a higher level than your bf. You also left out the part as to whether or not you love him, or you are just hanging onto him because you fear rejection in looking for a new partner. Which by the way, everyone fears rejection in looking for a new partner, for whatever reason--weight, financial status, social status, fear of commitement--everybody has their hot issue. Have you told him that he speaks better English than most of the locals? Does he realize he has your respect on that issue? Men really need to feel they are respected. If he feels less intelligent than you, less literate and not as well-spoken, and that you think his job isn't going anywhere even though he loves what he is doing, clearly he is not going to be comfortable in the relationship. If you want him back, maybe you can look at the things you do respect in him. The one thing that stood out for me is that he speaks better than the locals--clearly that seems to be an issue for both of you. And the fact that he has worked two jobs for at least 10 years--shows strong commitment even if he isn't making a lot of money or upward growth on the career ladder. Sounds like he is responsible and reliable at least. And it sounds like he respects you, since he thinks you'll have no problem finding another partner. He clearly thinks you are smart, since he is comparing himself to you and feeling he comes up short. These are just my thoughts after reading your story.

Clearly it is a very difficult time for you, losing your partner and your dog at the same time. You need your time to grieve and get past it. But I get the feeling that you are "settling" for him because he's there and doesn't reject you, but he's not as intelligent as you'd like, just passable in his speaking skills, and not holding a good enough job. As opposed to feeling he is your soulmate, your passion, your forever friend...just something to think about...

Last Edited By: QuantumMark2 Nov 17 08 7:24 PM. Edited 1 times.