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I'm Losing (long)
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Re: I'm Losing (long)
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foxjumper
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: 2016
Jul 25 09 9:43 AM
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Thanks for all your replies. Theres a lot of good advice.
He does live with us, but lately it just seems like he's using the place as a hotel room. He's very good with the baby. He never hesitates to do anything with her and actually showed me how to take care of her when we first brought her home. He's just amazing with her. I was afraid of breaking her, but now I've grown more confident and the only help I need is to get a break sometimes. He seems to resent this at times. I have 2-3 baby-sitters who'd break down the door for the chance to watch the baby. I have the baby 24/7 and sometimes I get a phone call from one of the baby-sitters asking me if they could take her for the day even if I have nothing planned. They just enjoy her so much...its easier on me to let them take her for a few hours because I know she's not a burden on them - they actually miss her. Last night I had nothing going on but one of the baby-sitters called and asked to take her for a bit. Sure, why not? But my bf seems to resent this and thinks that I'm dumping her on anyone who's willing to take her. This isn't true at all. I have her all the time and I don't complain about it.
I tried what CKayser has suggested and mention that I appriciate that he's working so hard and is showing that he has a good work ethic and isn't afraid to do what it takes. I've mentioned that I missed him and loved him and appriciate him, but theres no responce. I don't call him 15 times a day...I usually text, and I don't text needy stuff. Just making conversation and updating him on the cute things the baby did. That was actually the first thing I did - thank him, show appriciation and mention that I loved and missed him. It just didn't work. I then had a talk about how his family needs him and all the money in the world isn't worth it if he loses his family. Again, no response or change.
Its true that I used to be very confident and carried myself well. During pregnancy I used to second guess myself all the time. And you're right, I don't have time to shower everyday. I admit that I need help sometimes with the baby and I feel very overwhelmed. I do put some effort into make-up when I go out where I never did before. I'm purchasing good clothing to make myself look good instead of the normal barn tanktops I always used to wear all day everyday when we first started dating. When I clean its never spick and span, I just spot clean and surface clean so everything is where it belongs. But I don't have time or freedom to dust, vacuum and mop. I do occasionally when I get the chance, but its rare.
Not only do I feel like I'm failing him as the mother to his child, but now I feel like I'm failing him as a homemaker and life partner.
I'm so, so, so hesitant to leave. I live in PA and my friend is in MT. Thats over 1000 miles away. I'm afraid that if I leave, I'll miss out on an opportunity to fix things when and IF the opportunity knocks. Its a done deal...I'd be 1000 miles away and unreachable. The same goes for if I kick him out. He has no place to stay here. He'd have to travel back to his home in OH and thats just below 3 hours away. I'm scared to do anything final like that. I've worked and tried so hard that its even harder to throw in the towel. If my friend lived even just an hour away, it'd be different. But 1000 miles is a big distance.
We're not concerned that the baby isn't his. She looks exactly like him except for her red hair, and that comes from my side of the family.
"And yes, where *is* his money? Even if he's not cheating... a real man would step up as a father and partner to you. Not hide behind the excuse of how he's working sooo hard for $ you need, when you don't see any of it." - This is exactly how I feel. He's hiding behind that excuse because he just keeps repeating it and insists its a just reason to never be home.
We can't go to a counceller because he has no health insurance (even after he has the opportunity for it and I've asked him to apply for it). So we can't see a professional. But we're going to try the 3rd party thing...I'm even willing to go to a priest for councelling and I don't believe in the church at all. I'm not even sure its worth it at this point. It seems like theres just no salvaging it, but I'm going to try it as a last resort. Of course, he's indifferent to the idea, but he agreed to do it.
Everytime he goes to the carriages it just breaks my heart thinking that he's up there in the cab and happy that I'm absent from his side.
Ugh.
"And so I will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the night sky"
"The most dangerous place in the world is to be between a mother and her child"
"Yeah, a little
too
Raph"
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