Thanks guys. I'm sorry to say that moving might be right. I'll have to sell my horse to get the money to move and by the time I do that things might calm down. But who knows? I can't make this an immediate decision...it takes time for the paper work to go through. I just talked to him on the phone and I think the conversation went alright. We got to the point where he said that if he left, he'd take the baby. I told him I'd see him in court if it came down to it. We didn't really talk about splitting up, just that we were unhappy...and I kept telling him there was just 2 or 3 small things he could do to make things so much better. I also told him that I feel ugly, dejected and that I'm just not worth his time...and that I wasn't just making it up. That he made me feel that way. He told me I was acting selfish because I'm not getting what I want and thus throwing a fit because of it.

I can't make leaving a black and white decision. I have to find whats best for the baby. Right now we're in the heart of my family...right in the middle. She'll grow up with my family and know thats she's loved and I'll have help close by. I have a best friend in Montana but no family. I just have to weigh the options.

He says he wants to save money so we can move out of my sister's house and get a place of our own. I don't see how we could pay rent then if we can't pay normal rent now. It just doesn't make sense to save for rent when after the savings are up, we wouldn't be able to afford it. He also said that he doesn't approve of any of the baby-sitters because they smoke. That leaves me with no baby-sitters. What am I supposed to do now?

All in all I think it was a good start to the long conversation we'll have infront of our 3rd party. No one screamed. We just discussed things. I kept putting emphasis on just needing 3 small manageable things from him. Not sure if he'll step up though. Just one more chance...

I feel terrible now because I left the baby with my older sister and I think I need to ask her to take her for a while. I don't feel good. I'm not sure I can handle her right now. She's such a sweet little thing and she's my world, but I don't think I'm mentally safe to be the mother I should be for the next couple hours. I'll never hurt her, but she senses when things are wrong and she'll just bawl until she can't breathe. She's such a happy baby all the time...very quiet and loving, but when she senses something wrong, she'll cry. I just can't take that right now.

I can't believe the support I'm getting from you guys. Its just amazing and I feel so much better knowing that when it comes down to it, everyone here isn't shy about offering a hand. It took a long time for me to be able to write this post. I've been thinking about it for weeks but just never found the courage to do it. I wrote it today on the off chance that maybe I'd get a few replies, but the support is overwhelming. Thank you so much.

And because I need a smile, here she is

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My Gerber baby

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"And so I will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the night sky"
"The most dangerous place in the world is to be between a mother and her child"
"Yeah, a little too Raph"
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