Both of my siblings were adopted - they were 5 and 6 and biologically siblings.  Really, to be honest, I don;t think I could ever *personally* adopt an older child after the experience with my siblings.  Not that I don't love them and understand the problems, but it has completely devastated my family.

My bro and sis were a closed adoption.  They were severly neglected and abused.  My sister was forced to watch her father molest her older sister.  They were not fed right or enough, were not clothed, diapers were not cleaned, and honestly they were not socialized.  The story is that when social services went to get the, they walked in to find my brother swinging from a curtain (but I am skeptical because they lived in a dirt floor shack, so curtains don't sound probable).  Their teeth were rotting out by the time we adopted to them.  No one had ever read them a story.  It was a very very sad beginning, and unfortunately it ruined the rest of their lives.
Growing up with them was difficult.  At first, they were OK.  My brother was very hyper, but he was a little boy so we figured it was normal.  My sister was way way behind in learning and slow (special ed by late elementary).  But the older they got, the more it went downhill.  My brother quit doing any school work, basically terrorized his classroom and school, and couldn't follow a simple task to completion.  My sister just couldn't catch up and had a lot of trouble with self-esteem and fitting in.  Oh, and both were extremely small for their ages.  By the time HS came around my brother was a wreck.  He failed every class - never even made it out of 9th grade.  He got into fights, broke into homes/businesses, and stole everything in our house that he could get his hands on.  He refused to follow any rules of the house (wouldn't help at all, would disappear for days on end without a word), REFUSED to get a job because he thought people owed him.  He was given an ultimatum:  get and hold down a job OR pass your classes, even with D's, in school or move out on his 18th birthday.  He didn't end up having to leave on his 18th birthday but left following the end of that school year (his 3rd year as a 9th grader).  He moved from place to place and ended up in a homeless shelter for a while.  Now he is back to moving from place to place again, but he still refuses to get a job.  My sister - oh boy.  She was always attracted to the ruff crowd because I think she felt most comfortable and right with them.  Her friends got pregnant in their early to mid teens.  My sister DESPERATELY wanted to have a baby(and still does).  This is scarey because she cannot care for herself, let alone a child.  Part of her learning disabilities include an inability to do even the simplest math.  Think 8+7.  She can't grocery shop, she has no idea how or what to feed a child, and she has some severe emotional issues that make it possible for her to be dangerous to a child.  The only way to keep her from getting pregnant was to keep her on a fairly short leash and get her birth control shots.  She once collapsed in school and made them get an ambulance to drive her a block to the hospital because the "pain was a 9/9."  Then, in the ambulance, she was laughing and talking.  When asked her pain level, she snapped 9 and kept on talking... she had a whole bunch of really expensive proceedures that our insurance doesn't even begin to cover, and then gave up the charade and went back to school.  There shetold everyone she had had a miscarriage (neg pregnancy check and no possibility she had been pregnant recently when examined at the hospital though).  She ran away a few times, ended up committed for a while, but life was somewhat "normal" in between her episodes.  Made it all the way until two weeks before the end of her junior year.  Then, without warning, she left and never came back.  Moved away to live with a "boyfriend" who she didn't even know.  After talking with the police and social services, my parents decided that they would not try to force her back. 

This summer, both my sister and brother reconnected with their birth family...  The people that SEVERELY neglected them.  And my bro and sis ran to them with open arms.  Fed the garbage that they got "took away" for no reason.  They have one full sibling, who is my age, and maybe 5-6 half siblings.  They are living with various family members.  My sister may be dating her 1/2 brother *shudders* and....  She has taken their last name instead of ours, and refers to them as her family now.  It was very easy for her to switch from calling my parents, who raised her and gave her everything she needed, mom and dad to calling the white trash scum bags who neglected her mom and dad.  My sister regularly posts on facebook that her boyfriend beats her, then that he doesn't, then that he does... She also posts everywhere that she is pregnant.  She DESPERATELY wants to be pregnant. 

To explain their problems - my brother was a suspected FAS baby.  He had all of the physical and behavioral symtpoms.  It accounts for the unmanageable ADHD.  My sister is a more complex issue.  It is probable that her severe lack of proper nutrition as an infant/toddler left her retarded.  Her IQ is around 80.  She doesn't really form emotional attachments to anyone.  Even after being my sister for 14 years she has no sisterly feelings or love for me.  She can turn on people and get downright violent.

My parents did enlist the help of everyone they could think of.  Social services, church services, school services, physiatric and counseling services, testing services, etc.  In the end, it didn't really matter.  Both walked out of ours lives like they had only been here for an overnight stay.  it is very sad, because no matter what we did, we could not help them overcome the disabilitating effects of their early childhood. 

I have left out many things, namely police-related things and other serious problems so as not to write a novel.  This is only the tip of the iceberg

I do have a lot of good memories of them too, but they are hard to focus on right now because of the way they hurt our family, both when they were living with us and when they dismissed us and "changed families."  I think time will make it all seem better.

I am not telling you this to scare you away - not at all!  I think adoption is a wonderful thing.  But I am telling you so that you know that there is a possibility to end up with a less-than positive situation.  Nothing is a guarantee.  and older kids, those who need adoption the most, are the hardest to bring in to your family because they bring more baggage from their 5-6 yrs than any one person should have have in a lifetime.  Would my parents go back and do it all over again knowing everything that happened?  I'd like to think so, but honestly, I can understand why not.  I wish them the best and hope that, by my parents having raised them, they have an advantage and better lives than if they had never come into ours lives.

I commend anyone who managed to read the that.  Here are some pics of us in happier times so that you don't think I hate them or anything.  I am the oldest!  Sorry they are so big, but I am using IE so I can't resize properly




My sister and I


Hunter Princess wrote:
I do not have time for your ridiculous passive aggressiveness. Off my thread, please.
My awesomest gold star